sinungaling...

sa gitna ng dilim, nangangapa ako at hinahanap ang mga salita mong napagiwanan na ng panahon, mga pangako mong kinalimutan nang maigi ng tadhana at naglaho na lang sa kawalan. alam kong hindi ko na ito makikita o maririnig pa, ngunit wala na akong alam na iba kundi ang maghanap, ang maghalughog, ang umasang makamtan at maangkin muli ang isang bagay na kung tutuusin ay hindi naman talaga naging akin.

hay, katangahan nga naman.. pero aaminin ko, nakakapagod, nakakasuya, nakakaumay.. ang magintay, umasa at maghanap sa wala, lalo na't kung ang bukas at kahapon ay walang pinagkaiba sa ngayon. ilang beses ko nang ipinangako sa sarili ko na titigilan ko na ang kabaliwang ito. ilang beses ko nang sinabing tama na ang kagagahang paghahanap na to..

pero eto pa rin ako, nangangapa at naghahanap sa gitna ng dilim.. sinungaling talaga ako. dahil kahit ilang beses ko man ipangako sa sarili ko na tama na, hindi na, tigilan na, ayoko na.. eto na naman ako..

sa huli, wala din pala tayong pinagkaiba.. sinungaling din pala ko.. singungaling din pala ko katulad mo..

buntong hininga (revised)

sa kadiliman ng gabi
malalim ang buntong hininga ng hangin
sing lalim ng mga sugat na iniwan
ng mga salitang binitawan mo sa akin

nanaginip lang ba ako
nung minsan ikaw ay naging akin?
nangarap lang ba ako na minsan
ako'y minahal mo rin?

sa kadiliman ng gabi
matalim ang lamig ng ihip ng hangin
sing talim ng mga alaala ng kahapong
mistulang hiniram lang natin

nanaginip lang ba ako
nung minsan ikaw ay naging akin?
nangarap lang ba ako na minsan
ako'y minahal mo rin?

handa man akong ibigay lahat sayo,
handa man ako,
ang lahat ay kulang pa rin..

Seeing Red

the music blares
a cigarette is lit
the smoke,
a dramatic background
as blade slides across flesh

numb to the pain
she watches, unflinching
as blood gushes out
and drips towards the wooden floor

gathering, swirling
making a pool
of bright red liquid

and for one glorious moment,
that's all she sees

and then.. comes DARKNESS

stillness

currently listening to: Stillness by Paramita

'can you look upon your life without regrets,
can you look me in the eye and say
I know you so well, you can't live to tell
can't possibly survive cause you don't know how..

your silence means nothing to me
I am much braver now..

what I need to know, am I free to beg?
I sold half my soul, am I free to keep the other half?

and I know you're trying to justify
say I am the one to blame
well, free your wretched eyes
hatred is blinding you
well, look at me now, am I as dead as you?'


***just when i thought, i couldn't possibly feel any worse, you go ahead and prove me wrong.. thank you very much squirt, who would've thought you had it in you... but i'll be fine, i am much braver now.. i hope..

lost in you

she takes in the thick, damp air
in quiet contemplation,
the profound weight
of last night's words
still ringing in her ears
each sharp, heavy syllable
stabbing at her weary heart,
threatening to shatter it into pieces
she lets out a heavy sigh
surprised,
she could still breathe
surprised,
to hear her heart still beating
even as she bleeds
even as she shudders alone,
in her silent agonizing confusion..
and she wonders,
what now?
what now?..
but she knows there are no answers
only question
after question
after question..
right now, she is only sure of one thing,
even though it is pure madness
even though it is sheer stupidity
she knows, despairingly
she remains..
still yours,
even from afar..

Untitled

Midnight beckons
with perfect complacency
knowing it is hours away
from daylight
Together we heed the call
with mist in our breaths
as lost songs gather strength
in the thin air of denial
Right or wrong losing meaning
with every passing note
as you engulf me
in such silvery darkness
it borders on illegitimate light
I close my eyes, clench my teeth,
lest my soul fly away. . .