on riding the see-saw

okay, so i've finally hauled my ass from the bed to actually try to start writing here again. i know i haven't entered an entry in weeks and you can blame my pc for that since it crashed last week, making me lose all of my mp3s, pictures, and my sanity, well, almost.. good thing the pc's up and running now, new and improved! yeah boi! well enough of such of chimera, let's go start writing something that's actually worth writing about...

these past few weeks have been both a mixture of good and bad. i guess that's how everything is given in this world. you can't expect to always have your way all the time, with good comes the bad and vice versa. it's like, it has been there since the making of the universe, like a law, or perhaps to be safe, a theory of convergence where good converge and go hand in hand with the bad. i don't know if that's a good thing or not, since like me personally, when i get really happy, there's also this hint of dread that comes with it, like im dreading that this certain happy moment will end soon and be replaced by some negative emotion, like it hinders the happy moment to last or to fully be embraced in that moment but that's just me. however, if we look at it in a larger scale, what is good or bad for one person does not necessarily equal something good or bad for another. we all have our own subjective definitions of good and bad, like perhaps, what i consider as something good that happened to me might equal or perhaps maybe the cause or result of something bad that happened to another person. and i guess that is what makes this theory of convergence work, our varying definitions of good and bad, it sort of asserts some balance into this world. it's like riding the see-saw as a kid, it's a give and take, in order for the see-saw to work you have to be okay with the fact that you can't always stay on top all the time, you have to go down so the other can go up and vice versa, much like life, you have to make way for others to have their moment as well to experience something good, for you to stay low and allow the balance and while you're down on the ground, take comfort in the fact that with little patience, you'll soar and feel thw wind in your face again, with the help of the other in this seesaw called life.

jumping into the water

i've learned a lot these past couple of days. i've learned that jumping off head first into a pool without testing the waters first, has its casualties, especially since i can't swim that good. aside from the initial shock of slamming right into the freezing cold water, there's the uncertainty of how deep i've plunged myself under and the panic of not knowing how soon i can come up for air or how soon i can have my feet touching the pool concrete below. it's not really a very good feeling especially when i realized that i brought this on myself. i have jumped into a pool i didn't realize was too big for me. i didn't see that i've jumped in over my head. i've been rash and impulsive. i thought i could handle it but realized later on that i couldn't cause there are other things, bigger things at stake. i realized that there are other people in the water, people i've formed relationships with and who are important to me, and my jumping into the water and making a big awful splash can and has affected them. yes, i've been rash and impulsive and i didn't think of the ripple effect that my actions have spurned.

there is such a thing as karma, and like it or not everything we do has its consequences. good thing for me, i was fortunate enough to have known such people that would smack some sense into my head and help me pick myself up from the water before i plunge myself in any further and drown. and for these people i am very grateful. i've discovered that my actions or anyone's actions for that matter can actually affect other people, and it is just selfish to not think about them especially if they are people who care about you and whom you care for as well.

being rash, it complicates relationships, sometimes even destroys them... and i don't want that..and its just about time that i put my foot down and start thinking about the things i get myself into so that one day i can look at myself and be proud of the things i've done, and the choices i've made, for myself and for the people i care for.

freakish

shit, how could i have been i so stupid?! i should've seen this one coming.. and now its blowing up right in front of my face and i've got no one to blame but me..
fuck, i hate myself...

freakish-saves the day

As I'm talking my words slip to the floor
and they crawl through your legs
and slide under the back door
rendering me freakish and dazed.

Well here I am. I don't know how to say this.
The only thing I know is awkward silence.
Your eyelids close when you're around me
to shut me out...

So I'll go walking through the streets until my heels bleed
and I'll sing out my song in case the birds wish to sing along.
And I'll dig a tunnel to the center of the universe.

Well here I am. I don't know how to say this.
The only thing I know is awkward silence.
Your eyelids close when you're around me
to shut me out...

I'll make my way across the frozen sea,
beyond the blank horizon,
when I can forget "you and me"
and get a decent night's sleep.

Well here I am. I don't know how to say this.
The only thing I know is awkward silence.
Your eyelids close when you're around me to shut me out...
Don't shut me out...

~ hey, sorry if ever i ruined your bday, i didn't mean too..~

letting it go..

" i don't wanna get bitter, i don't wanna talk cruel, i don't wanna get old before i have to.." -jill sobule

Yeah, as so very well put by Ms. Jill Sobule here, I realized last night that I don’t want to hold a grudge anymore since there really is no point in being mad. I can’t fully say that I’m over all the bad things that happened, all I’m sure about is that I’ve decided to see past my pride.
Pride, its definitely a vice. Cause from what I’ve noticed, when something bad happens, like when you get hurt, it’s the first that takes on the offensive. You go about and rant “How can he do this to ME?” or “The nerve of that asshole..” or “That creep, he’s never gonna get away with this..” the list goes on and on. Of course there’s no denying that getting hurt is never a walk in the park. The hurt that slowly creeps into your heart threatening to make it burst at any given moment is never really easy to get over with. But if I’ve gotten any wiser from everything that’s happened, I’ve come to know that these things do pass, maybe not as soon as we’d hope maybe not as fast as we want it to be, but they do and how soon or how late these things will pass really would depend on us. Usually it is pride that is keeping us from letting it go, from letting all this bitterness to get past us because we get so attached to the fact that we got hurt that we don’t try to see past that and we get obsessed with protecting ourselves that we tend to get so cynical about everything. We hold on to pride for dear life not realizing that letting go of it would set us free. What I’ve realized is, you can’t really protect yourself all the time, you can’t just isolate yourself from everything that can hurt you cause then what? You’d probably end up sad, bitter, alone and never any wiser.
The world is full of things that can hurt us and they will, one way or another. That probably sounds awful but it’s just a matter of looking at things. Pain isn’t always so bad, it teaches things, let’s you get to know yourself a little more, let’s you know how strong you are, it let’s you learn a lot about yourself that you never knew about and for me that is something beautiful. It kind of reminded me of a certain line in that Tom Cruise movie Vanilla Sky ‘the sweet won’t be as sweet without the sour’ and it does make perfect sense, doesn’t it?
So last night was my epiphany, I realized that I don’t want to be bitter because it just gets so tiring after a while. It’s so tiring to always see the bad in things, in people, in situations. It’s so tiring to be so cynical, so sarcastic, so jaded that you hardly recognize yourself anymore. I realized that in being like this, I’ve been blocking anything good to come into my life and I’m the only one who’s suffering. There really is no point in being mad anymore. I’ve decided to let it go, I see it now, in letting go I have nothing to lose instead there is me to be found…

~for squirt, thanks for helping me realize all this..you take care~

just watch the fireworks

why do people dig their own holes without even knowing it? what if they know that they are digging themselves further into the ground but they just can't stop? how can you tell if you're already falling into a pit? how can you avoid falling? what if you don't see the pit and you just fall? what do you do when you realize you've seen the warning signs yet you've chosen to ignore them? what do you do when you realize its too late to do anything? what do you do? ahh.. the dilemma..

~i think it's time for a song~

just watch the fireworks-jimmy eat world

Here you can be anything.
I think that scares you, I think that scares you.
Here, I've been here before but only by myself,
myself...

I promised I'd see it again.
I promised I'd see this with you now.

What giving up gives you and where giving up takes you.
I've had and I've been.
Here in center frame, here there's only air.
And just enough space to fit.

I promised I'd see it again.
I promised I'd see this with you now.

I said it out loud over and over.
I said it out loud but what do I know.
I said it out loud over and over.
I said it out loud but it did not help.
I'll stop now.
Just so I can hear you I stay up as late as it takes, as long as it takes.

I promised I'd see it again.
I promised I'd see this with you now.

~for mr. sherpa and his ginger~

ahhh, so this is a blog.. interesting..

oooh..so this is the blogger..well, anyway i made myself one just in case i would need a ready ear to air out my frustrations to as i try so desperately to get myself to sleep, somewhere to put the countless random thoughts i have in stances of spacing out, and if ever i'm lucky it might actually trigger any creative juices this so-called brain of mine can conjure in moments of immense boredom, euphoria, dementia and the like...well, you get my drift..

anyway, why don't we give it a shot then eh?
well, i can say that things are going pretty well for me right now..well, relatively.. school's uhm..well, school..i'm still trying to get used to the idea again of homework, book reviews, reports, tests and term papers.. agh! and i thought this was what i wanted..well, partly, i just never thought it would be this much work..and the other things? i dnt knw.. sometimes i wanna whack myself in the head for being so damn impulsive, its like i only have the ability to think after i've done somethin stupid, much worse, at times i know i'm doing something stupid but i just cant get myself to stop..and the irony here is i KNOW im a thinker, i majored in philosophy for pete's sake, and sometimes i even have the capacity to overanalyze the simplest thing and yet when it comes to my actions i am simply dumbfounded..

ahh..the things i get myself into.. i should be institutionalized..dang..