...to never wake up

"sometimes... you can cry until there's nothing wet left in you. you can scream and curse to where your throat rebels and ruptures. you can pray all you want to whatever god you think will listen. and still, it makes no difference. it goes on, with no sign as to when it might release you. and you know that if ever did relent... it would not be because it cared." ~from JTHM

we're told to accept the fact that life goes on, and that nothing is forever, NOTHING! but i don't want to accept this!! i don't want to see it all as a dead thing BEFORE it dies.. i had something, something beautiful! the world still spun around in all its arbitrary fury but i had something to hold tight to, something beautiful... but i messed it up.. i did exactly what i never wanted to do.. i turned it into something cold and weary.. now, screaming in fear, i hold tighter and it seems to squirm away, pushing me off.. and the faster i run to catch it, to hold it, the faster it runs to escape, the more it recoils from my touch.. dreaming of a world that has stopped dreaming of me, going away, driven by the more desirable idea of new dreams and i don't seem to be accepting it.. and i don't want to accept! i don't want to get used to losing the few things that make me feel.. i had something and the noise in my head, with all its voices, repeats one thing, incessantly, more than anything else, "i'm sorry, i'm so sorry.. don't give up on me.. don't let go of me now..dream of me..don't let me wake up.."

self denial

"self denial is game i never thought i would've wanted until there was you.." ~ same ground

alone with my meandering thoughts
under the stillness of the crescent moon
i wait for a word, a breath, a touch
but the night remains silent and unmoved
much like your constrained indifference
but even as i sink in this sudden frailty
and fumble in this imposed agonizing solitude
i promise to keep my distance and wait
even if the dreadful night threatens to eat me whole
even if my world skids to a screeching halt
even if in this deafening silence, i lose myself

... and cease to be

...and then there was paranoia

disclaimer: what you are about to read are the crazy musings of a sleep deprived neurotic. please proceed with caution. it is upon you're discretion if you must take any of this seriously.

i can't sleep. it's another one of those miserable sleepless nights when paranoia just creeps up on you like a bad song you've heard over and over that you just can't shake it off from your head just like that anymore. i hate nights like these, nights where every imagined scenario becomes a rehearsal for tragedy. i hate it when i worry about even the most mundane of things and i imagine even the most far-fetched (or perhaps not) of scenarios, like i'm trying to prepare myself for when if any of these bad things might actually happen. but what's really bothering about all this is that even if i try to prepare as much as i can, in the end if tragedy does happen, it's always tragic, it always catches you off-guard even though in your head you've prepared for it hundreds of times. and that's what's worrying me. i'm never good with tragedies. i've never been that person who could just look at the bright side of things and be just all peachy after a few days or so. i wallow, i wallow and drown myself in a bottomless pit of misery until i can't feel anymore, until i'm all numb and negative and bitter and then i start to hate myself cause then i have tendency to just contradict myself and self-destruct. i go about saying really profound things about love and life and living and self-worth but ultimately when it comes to my own life, my issues, i don't know shit. is it just me or is everybody else just as lost and clueless as i am? or maybe i just really need to get some sleep...

transcendence

you stare off into space
wanting to get out of this place
baby you're such in a haste
looking for a quick escape

so come and fly, fly so high
i'll give you my wings and teach you how
fly away right now,
get off this place and leave it all behind
behind, leave it all behind

you want to break free from your ties
tired of hiding in all the lies
now you've made up your mind
time to break away you've got yourself to find

so come and fly, fly so high
i'll give you my wings and teach you how
fly away right now,
get off this place and leave it all behind
behind, leave it all behind