...to never wake up

"sometimes... you can cry until there's nothing wet left in you. you can scream and curse to where your throat rebels and ruptures. you can pray all you want to whatever god you think will listen. and still, it makes no difference. it goes on, with no sign as to when it might release you. and you know that if ever did relent... it would not be because it cared." ~from JTHM

we're told to accept the fact that life goes on, and that nothing is forever, NOTHING! but i don't want to accept this!! i don't want to see it all as a dead thing BEFORE it dies.. i had something, something beautiful! the world still spun around in all its arbitrary fury but i had something to hold tight to, something beautiful... but i messed it up.. i did exactly what i never wanted to do.. i turned it into something cold and weary.. now, screaming in fear, i hold tighter and it seems to squirm away, pushing me off.. and the faster i run to catch it, to hold it, the faster it runs to escape, the more it recoils from my touch.. dreaming of a world that has stopped dreaming of me, going away, driven by the more desirable idea of new dreams and i don't seem to be accepting it.. and i don't want to accept! i don't want to get used to losing the few things that make me feel.. i had something and the noise in my head, with all its voices, repeats one thing, incessantly, more than anything else, "i'm sorry, i'm so sorry.. don't give up on me.. don't let go of me now..dream of me..don't let me wake up.."