...and then there was paranoia

disclaimer: what you are about to read are the crazy musings of a sleep deprived neurotic. please proceed with caution. it is upon you're discretion if you must take any of this seriously.

i can't sleep. it's another one of those miserable sleepless nights when paranoia just creeps up on you like a bad song you've heard over and over that you just can't shake it off from your head just like that anymore. i hate nights like these, nights where every imagined scenario becomes a rehearsal for tragedy. i hate it when i worry about even the most mundane of things and i imagine even the most far-fetched (or perhaps not) of scenarios, like i'm trying to prepare myself for when if any of these bad things might actually happen. but what's really bothering about all this is that even if i try to prepare as much as i can, in the end if tragedy does happen, it's always tragic, it always catches you off-guard even though in your head you've prepared for it hundreds of times. and that's what's worrying me. i'm never good with tragedies. i've never been that person who could just look at the bright side of things and be just all peachy after a few days or so. i wallow, i wallow and drown myself in a bottomless pit of misery until i can't feel anymore, until i'm all numb and negative and bitter and then i start to hate myself cause then i have tendency to just contradict myself and self-destruct. i go about saying really profound things about love and life and living and self-worth but ultimately when it comes to my own life, my issues, i don't know shit. is it just me or is everybody else just as lost and clueless as i am? or maybe i just really need to get some sleep...