on turning a year older
okay, i know i've been MIA since like forever, but hey i was busy, still busy actually, i still have one more paper to finish and its due on thursday. but anyway, i just felt the need to write my thoughts down.
i was lying on my bed last night, desperately trying so hard to fall asleep and miserably failing, when i got to thinking. in a few days i'd be a year older and i still don't know where i'm going, i don't even know for sure what i want. i've been told a lot of people my age actually feels the same but i just marvel at how they handle it with sooo much composure but hey what do i know.. all i know is me? i'm in a slump. i don't know, maybe i'm just holding out for something that i really want, or maybe im just holding back because i'm just such a sissy, scared to lay claim on what she wants cause it just might not turn out to be what she expected thus disappointing her. i heard from somewhere that sometimes when you hold out for something, you walk away with nothing. yes at some point that's true but at the same time sometimes when you give everything and you lose, you get, guess what, nothing. so what's a sissy like me supposed to do in such a sordid state of affairs? well, i do what i always do, crawl into a corner and do, what else, nothing. hey, it's not something i'm proud of, it's not like i consciously wanted to be this way. i just woke up one morning and i was already one of those people who has a very bad tendency to see things in the negative. i guess a series of disappointments can do that to a person, make them numb or at least pretend to be numb by avoding making any major decisions so they're never disapponited. do i want to be this kind of person? no, i don't. but it's not like i could just flick a switch in my system and become all mary-sunshine in just a few seconds, it takes work and it's work i don't know if i'm willing or even able to do. it'll take more than a few risks, and more than a few taking-my-chances that i'm not sure im quite ready for cause if all of them doesn't work out then what? would i become more of a negative person than i already am? i for sure don't want that. so what's a person supposed to do in such a situtaion? it's such a tight rope, a double-edged sword, don't you think?
...if someone can bring some light into this, please ENLIGHTEN me...
posted by cherrycoloredfunk at 8:35 PM
2 Comments:
we've talked about this more than once in one of our sleep overs...you are not alone in this...sad to say..no one can really enlighten you on this because the truth of the matter is...at one point or another..you have to take the plunge and see for yourself what is out there for you..i know lots of people who even have families already and twice our age but they still don't know what they want to do...they are still in limbo...for some it's as easy as 1-2-3...for others it's more complicated than that...but knowing you....you'll go with complexities dear, that's what makes life exciting....despite the negativity or hurt...i know you wouldn't trade it for anything else...you'll find the answer...maybe today, tomorrow..or in the coming years....who knows?
hey :) Im older than you right? and like you i just turned a year older a few weeks back. and yes, like you, im in that situation right now. heres my theory as to why we feel as such. maybe it's because we just turned a year older. the pressure of becoming someone at a specific age is gaining up on us. and now that we are definitely not getting any younger everyday, we feel compelled to do something about our life, like having some direction for once, coz we're not kids anymore. that whatever we do, only we are responsible for the possible consequences.
"... heard from somewhere that sometimes when you hold out for something, you walk away with nothing. yes at some point that's true but at the same time sometimes when you give everything and you lose, you get, guess what, nothing." -- well, maybe not exactly the way you wanted it to be, but perhaps at least you learned something from it, right? maybe these experiences can teach you how to become the person that you ought to be.
so far, what ive been doing for the past few weeks is to just be open to the possibilities that life may bring. im still in that state, but im struggling to get out of it because it sucks big time. and i try to make some distractions, i try to look for one thing that ticks me.
also... praying wont hurt you one bit. ;)
--- Lesler
Post a Comment
<< Home